(I think) I am ready to write publicly about my upcoming surgery.
From the beginning of my breast cancer experience, I have been very open about my diagnosis and comfortable with anyone knowing about it. I have felt rather private, however, about the details of my surgery; for the first months, I only discussed them with close friends. Though many people in my life surely know by now, they have yet to hear from me that on May 20th (just got the date this past week), I am having a left mastectomy.
And after months of being utterly torn, undecided, all-over-the-place about whether or not to do reconstruction—and about when and what type if I did reconstruction—I have decided to go with an implant at the time of the mastectomy.
Now I am staring at the blank page, not sure how to go on. Especially after baring my soul in so many other ways these past months and in so many past posts, why does sharing the fact of my upcoming mastectomy and reconstruction feel like one of those dreams where you (or at least I—have you had such dreams?) show up to work, or to the biggest party of the year, or to your children’s school, stark-naked?!
In one of her blog posts, Hareem Atif Khan shares that talking about her breast cancer—and even seeking medical attention at the first signs that something might be wrong—was hard because it meant talking about her breasts. Perhaps it’s because I am an American not a Pakistani woman that I am more comfortable talking about my breasts…. though only up to a point, it seems. I can talk breast cancer and chemotherapy for breast cancer and even surgery for breast cancer (breast, breast, breast). But talking about my actual breast—no, talking about the removal of my actual breast—suddenly makes me want to cover every inch of my body and point in the opposite direction so that no one will look at me. The real truth is, knowing that people will inevitably look at me and think, “She lost her breast,” made me feel “less-than” (and a lot of other unpleasant adjectives, too).
It took me many hours, days, weeks of thinking, talking, writing, researching, reflecting to get me to a decision about reconstruction. Though it feels like there were dozens of reasons for my uncertainty, I think I can actually pinpoint four of them.
One the one hand, there were my reasons to not reconstruct:
- My desire to resist a culture that makes women feel less-than for not looking a particular way.
- My commitment to not rush the healing process by trying to replace what is lost.
- My fear of surgery.
On the other hand, there was:
- My desire to feel comfortable in my body as I move through the world. My fear that I would not. (Is that two reasons?)
It is not that my list of “one” won out over my list of “three.” It is that the thinking and feeling behind my list of three changed.
Reason #1: I still want to resist a culture that makes women feel “less-than.” But I no longer feel the intense self-judgment about not resisting with my own, un-reconstructed chest. (I still don’t fully understand why I’d been so burdened with guilt, seeing as I’ve spent a lifetime resisting plenty on the one hand, but perpetuating the culture on the other with all kinds of behavior, such as donning make-up and high-heeled shoes.)
Reason #2: I still don’t want to rush my healing process. But I no longer feel like immediate reconstruction would be rushing my healing process—presumably because I’ve had more than five months to digest the fact that I have breast cancer and will need a left mastectomy. (Which doesn’t mean I don’t anticipate the need for more healing on the other side of my surgery. It just means that I am in a very different place than I once was.)
Reason #3: I’m still afraid of surgery. Which is why, when I started leaning toward doing reconstruction, I ultimately decided to go with immediate implant reconstruction—because if all goes well, I won’t need any additional, major surgeries (just a couple of outpatient procedures).
(I may share more about my decision-making process in upcoming posts. In the meantime, for more information about reconstruction, you might visit breastreconstruction.org. To read more about the choice to not reconstruct, I highly recommend breastfree.org.)