In this moment, I am thinking about:
- And other things we tend to associate with—even expect of—women: red, high-heeled shoes. Eye shadow. Low cut shirts. Flirty laughter.
- I am thinking about what brings me joy (writing; sleeping in; a good craft project in front of bad TV) and what does not bring me joy (email; a growing pile of unread newspapers; too much of the consulting I do).
I am thinking about:
- Hot flashes.
- Summer, and what I’ll wear on my head so I don’t get sunburned.
- Which makes me think about hat shopping with Jenae and the fun we’ll have (because we always have fun); and about how safe I feel in her company.
- Thinking about “safe” makes me think about Maggie and Josh and even Sophie and Harrison who make me feel safe in a different kind of way because of the place they give me in the world. Because they bring me home.
- I am thinking about my home, and my bedroom, and my bed, and how even when I wake up not wanting to wake up, like I often do these mornings (not wanting to face the day, my life, me) how even then, I love being in my home and my bedroom and my bed. How safe I feel there.
- I am thinking about breasts again.
- I cannot think of how I want to end this list. Already I am thinking about a new list. Which makes me think about how hard it is for me to stay in the moment. How hard it is for me to quiet my mind. How hard it is for me to just be. I am thinking about how, when I was in the depths of chemo, I often thought, “I have never been so still. I have never been so still.” I am thinking about how much I would love to learn to be still.