I just watched the inspiring documentary States of Grace about a woman who is physically disabled after a head on collision on the Golden Gate Bridge. She wonders, like I wonder: Who is this new person… who am I now? Who do I want to be?
I feel a bit weighed down by these questions of late. And by the seeping in anxieties about time (the passing of; the use of); about choices; about what I am doing and what I want to be doing with my life. It feels like I’m beyond the first phase of this cancer thing, and that suddenly, everything feels harder. Or is it just my mind that is making things feel harder? I don’t have that blessed-out-gratitude-love-happy-in-the-moment feeling anymore. I have instead the more everyday life-is-complicated-and-emotional-and-the-mind-is-complicated-and-chaotic feeling.
I think I know what is at the heart of my emotional/spiritual/mental discomfort: I want this time to be significant, worthwhile, life-changing. I want my life to change. Not because I don’t have a happy life, I have an incredibly happy life. But what good is cancer if I don’t use it as an opportunity for deepening, opening, transforming?