Today I finally got all the necessary appointments in place to start chemo on Tuesday. I feel such relief at FINALLY having a plan and finally moving forward with it.
I also got the call today that I am BRCA negative. Sigh of relief—for me and for my children.
With the frenzy of doctor’s appointments over the past few several weeks, and the uncertainty about my test results and treatment plan and schedule, I have been literally unable to see or plan past a couple of days out. My friend Nuni wisely said that perhaps it was a good opportunity to live in the present. True. And yet, the uncertainty has caused a level of anxiety that I hope settles now that I will (hopefully) have a more predictable schedule and routine (never mind that the schedule and routine will include chemotherapy and sickness). Striking how much I crave predictability, as it turns out.
With the frenzy of the last weeks, I have also been frenzied with Harrison and Sophie. Today I made a commitment to myself to focus on the positive with them. To take a breath before I let my own stress come out on them with nagging criticism. To instead name the plethora of WONDERFULS about each of them. ESPECIALLY now, that’s what I want them to have from their Mama.